Guilt finally liberated me

The path to freedom from religious indoctrination is different for each one us. I am writing this post to share mine. I was always told a kid that the credit for success was always shared with God, but never the credit was failure. It was an this burden of guilt which made me feel so helpless in the face of failure. I always felt that God was there to celebrate with me when I succeeded but never when I needed someone to take the blame for  failure. That blame was always my own. He was like a fair weather friend.

It just seemed unfair. And that's when I kicked him out. And that's when I was free.

Sid

PS: Later I found that he was not there to begin with, and it was all in our heads :P

how long can u go on without nitrous

As it turns out.... not very long
i found my new can.. go get your's too

A Drag race called love…

I am not writing this out of years of experience or after thin slicing many relationships. This post is along the lines of drawing analogies between technology and the human mind. I have always seen love as a drag race without a finish line. You have a can full of nitrous which you can use at will, but you can use it only once. You have one shot, you give it all and that’s all there is to it… naah I sound too depressing now. Wait lemme not get personal and still try to convey the idea here. We are of course taking about the older versions of NFS where you had limited nitrous.

Yes… So getting back to the point. A child grows up and becomes an adult and slowly one tries to understands how behavioral transactions work. It’s a plain barter u know. Give and take, quid pro quo Clarees. More often than not the naïve junta has no clue of how much to give and how much to take. So as soon as they find a certain someone to share, they let go of the entire nitrous without holding back. Such transaction can vary from all night phone calls to ‘I will take a bullet to my heart for you, my love’ type dialogues. The forms may change but the idea remains the same. And as cliché as it may sound the sad part remains that each of these transactions is special, honest and unique just like every other one. So though the words and simple actions of stupidity may seem completely obscure to a stranger they are of utmost value to the two parties involved.

But as GnR as has stated that ‘Nothing lasts forever not even cold November rain’ not all dealings last. People drift apart, sometimes even wishing to never see each other again. But all that remains are the transactions, the numerous occasions of give and take of sweet nothings which in spite of their complete insanity makes complete sense to the two traders now drifted apart. And these transactions are what I have come to understand as the true nature of love. The people involved have changed and so have the circumstances. The log books are still there - there is no more trade and no lust for more transactions.
All of this would have been fine if it was the last chapter in the book, but it’s not. Life often brings us to new junctions where one could have used some more nitrous. But they already spent all that they had in one race. And all that remains is an empty can.

An awakening

An Idle mind is a devils workshop they say and over the past 8 months I have had a experience on these lines. But my devil is not evil at all. He is more like a relaxed devil who once liked to plot evil but is now tired of taking the effort –it does take a lot of effort to plot evil. He is chilled out laid back, happy go lucky PSU devil, who likes to while away his time watching TV, sleeping, taking hopelessly long walks and endlessly chat. Over the past few months I haven’t blogged a word and most of the credit goes to this off duty devil. Not like he doesn’t have the time or the resources, just that he lacks the motivation.
All of this would have been fine is he was at his final destination already. But for good, he is not. He has a long way to go which required him to wake up from his 24 hr-aftern00n-slumber-seista-fest. Getting out of the lazy mood and putting on your work shoes is like waking up KUMBHKARAN (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kumbhakarna).

On 2nd June 2010, I resigned BHEL and the devil has to wake up now. The war bells are ringing and the peace time in a cozy PSU company is over. The devil- who is just a lazy genius- is realizing that 10 months of drinking tea, bunking afternoon, discussing pay revisions and office politics has rendered his abilities his useless. Its only now after quitting the comforts of assured salary does he realize that world is not so cozy after all. Only the fittest and the smartest will survive and though he was Good one day, he sucks at everything now. He has forgotten how it feels to see his carrier (me) rejoice as a led let up or code compiled without errors. How it felt to give a ppt and then be appreciated, how it felt to write a controversial blog and have a sinister fun is reading peoples mixed onions.
So he has NOW woken up to embark on a new journey and he is now as fearless as he was in those days. But getting back in shape-mentally- is not that easy, so he has started with his simple thingm the one thing that gave him the most joy…. His blog.

Keep walking

It was an usual evening after yet another uneventful day at BHEL and I decided to go for a walk down the road which runs outside the township here in Bangalore. I had my companion with me, she kept playing my fav tunes one after the other and before I knew it the road on which I had set upon was over and I was on another road heading for Yeswanthpur which is a good 8 km from my place.

I kept crossing roads for fun, juggling with the fast B'lore traffic and occassionally made a mental note of the bus numbers of that route coz there was not way I was going to walk back to the township from Yeshwanthpur. Around the corner I noticed a familiar structure. A bright white temple against the black night sky. It was the ISKON Temple of Bangalore. Though I have fond memories of visiting this place with a dear friend a year back, this particular visit added a new dimension to my understand of prayers/chanting and moreso the logkepper (goD).

I had walked for almost 2 hours and I was tired. I had one bottle of Nimbooz. So by the time I walked up the stairs of the temple (which are are a lot by the way for no reason and you have to go through each and every small temple before you reach the Don) I was thirsty, hungry, tired and I wanted to pee. On the way up the stairs there were signboards guiding your way and there were posters of "hare rama. hare krishna". They had tag lines like "chant my name and your mind will be free". Well, so I did chant. I am an athiest by reason and not by conviction, so it is only fair I give everything a chance. So I chanted and I sang. I sang in tune and I sang out of tune. I sang down the stairs even when people started staring at me. By some weird logic it was ok to sing lorDs name in the temple hall, but not down the stairs. But I was still all "harE ramA, harE krishnA", coz I had to give it a chance. And to my amazement in the state of HRHK buzzing in my head I started beliving that there was a guy somehwere, clad in JARI clothing listening to me and saying " see he is chanting my name, lets make him happy".

I was soon out of the temple and after a little more walk I got a 401B to drop me back home. This was when it all dawned (at 9 pm). How it was just chemical imbalance which was causing me to believe in a non-existent unproven being. In that tired and dehydrated state of mind I would have bought any crap that was told to me. As I regained my breathe and felt the cool evening breeze against my face, I began to piece it together as to why all the places of worships are at such difficult to go places. Take for example Thirupathi or Badrinath or Kedarnath or the long Qs in the Shiridi temple. The basic underlying principle remains that by the time to reach the shrine you should be so fu*king tired out of your minds that you will believe anything they tell you. WHat you will see will be a mixture of dehydration, tugg of war amongs the crowds to stay a second longer to stay a little longer in front of the idol and your own confused sense of belief. It not fair to drug a man and then show him something make him belive that crap and then hold him accountable for it later on.

This is only the spiritual end of it. There is also a commercial end to it. Leaving the temple is not that easy either, you have to go through atleast 10 different halls selling a variety of items from books to pictures to keychains and even krishna endorsed plum cakes. So you are tired and have most likely lost most of your ability to use logic and reason and then they- these men of goD who designed this place- push you along a mall... Rest should be obvious.

Well, not much can be done about the char-dham as they are going to be on hill tops or in tunnels where you will have to sweat it out to get a glimple of the idol or plain ice in some cases. But if you ever go to ISKON I would suggest a motor ride than an 8 km walk so that you don't end up with krishna endorsed plum cake and HRHK key chain. :)

PS : If it is about darshan, try Tata Sky Daily Darshan.

need for approval

"Man is a social being and is meant to live is groups"
- Psychology 101

In the past I have sometimes misunderstood this as an excuse to consider
opinion from others while making a decision which affects my life alone. A blame shared collectivley is much easier to live through than a blame shared alone.

a rush of blood

Every step I take, thumping my feet on the ground only to take it off next moment, pressing the mud and the grass beneath my feet; sends a pulse up my body, a pulse of joy, a pulse of liberation, like unleashing a rocket waiting to speed away. The sight of kids playing football with their Ronaldinho and gawd knows who's tees, teen age guys sitting at pavilion and smoking away in their glory, grandpas taking an evening stroll along with their little ones, some athletes speeding away like they have to catch a bus and some heavy guys trying to catch their breath as they try to keep up...

Never been much of a sportsperson and this first taste of pushing my physical limits has given me a undying source of joy and confidence with nothing else can match up to.

At first it is sunny and the breathing gets tougher, the sun shines brightly before it finally gives up and unfolds a cool breeze. Slowly the fun builds up... The twilight in soon outlined by a boundary of trees on all sides of the Parade Ground here in BHEL Campus at Bhopal. The sight of the open sky is as rewarding as seeing the making of future football players and marathon runners of India. The thumping of my feet matched with the beats of the melodious music played creates a harmony which none can appreciate but the runner himself. As each step is taken, one more patch of grass covered and one more beat played, I move on to place which is my own, a place where I have clarity in my mind, where there is no pretense, no doubts, no preconceived notions, no regrets, just a bright light coming from the behind illuminating my path, giving me the courage to face what lies ahhead